Just Another Day

I woke up after noon. I drank some tea. I read the newspaper. I ate some soup (breakfast or lunch?). I watched some TV. I finished my book. I went on the Internet. I folded laundry. I ate dinner. I began reading another book and watched more TV. I ate a cupcake for dessert. I took my chemo.
Just another day.

This really is pretty much what my days consist of. A week can go by like this and I don't even notice - especially when I'm on a chemo that makes me feel fuzzy! But the names of the days mean little to me - Monday, Tuesday, even Saturday and Sunday; they are just another day. There's freedom in this for sure. But there's also a certain amount of boredom and monotony, and in that, there is a feeling of being trapped. How weird it is to feel both absolutely free and unable to do anything at all! Day after day of nothing planned means I can do anything, and sometimes I use that to my advantage. Sometimes I'm productive. Sometimes I go make jewelry, or crochet, or work on learning something new, or go out and do things that need to be done. Sometimes I just pick up and go out somewhere, just because I can. And I love to be able to read all I want! If I could create my own perfect dream job, I'd read all I want and get paid for doing so. But other times, the sheer openness of all my days makes me lazy. Why do something productive when you have all of tomorrow to do it...and all of the day after...and all of the week after that?
The problem is, with me being on chemo and having a weak immune system, I cannot plan anything in advance. There is always the chance that I won't be feeling well at any particular time, or I might have to go into the hospital. I don't even know what my hospital schedule will be like any more than a week in advance; how can I possibly plan anything else definitively? That's why I can tell a friend I'll try my best to be at their party, but there's no guarantee; or I'll do all I can to make it to that class, but I can't promise to be there. So, my days have to have that openness to them. I can't plan things that go on continuously because the one thing I can guarantee is that I won't be able to make it all the time. This is what makes college so hard for me. I've always been that nerd who loves going to school, but now I'm not sure it's right for me anymore. That's hard to deal with, but it makes me even more glad for books and the Internet! But without the regular schedule of school, and when I can't get a job when I can't make or keep a schedule, there is no structure to my days. It often leaves me feeling like I'm stuck in transit. The word that always comes to me is "waiting". I'm always waiting for something, and I'm not even sure what exactly that could be. Waiting waiting waiting. I just hope that I recognize what it is I've been waiting for when it occurs. Until then, I sleep. I eat. I read, watch, listen, survive. And truth be told, I usually do it happily. But I know there's something else too. So I'll keep waiting.